Telling Connections

Foundation for Developing Personal and Professional Relationships

"He / She doesn't listen."

This is often the first comment that I hear from those who have contacted me expressing some dissatisfaction about their pastor or colleague.

John Savage, author of the "Calling and Caring" lab experience reminded his students that our society teaches us to talk, not to listen.

Listening is work; listening is difficult work when it is effectively done.

Skills can be learned that can make most everyone a better listener. These require more than reading a book or article; they require practice. Expertise requires using the skills and getting feedback that will celebrate good listening practices and challenge weakly practiced skills.

For a start I present 6 basic action verbs to guide you in developing your listening skills. They spell out the word "listen."

Look at the person (Unless the culture tells you this is inappropriate, get and maintain eye contact. If you can't do this, at least look at the bridge of the nose.)

Invest time in this person. Listening is not something that can be shortened in time like using a microwave oven rather than a conventional oven. It takes time; but, think of this time as an investment in the person you are listening to, your relationship with this person and the mission you and the other person share.

Serve the person that you are listening to. That is, it's not about you; it's about that other person. Shift your attitude from "this is a bother" to "this is a brother/sister who needs an ear."

Tell no counter-story. A counter-story is a memory of something or someone or some event that comes to mind as the person you are listening to is speaking. Resist the temptation of sharing that story. Instead, let the time you have between processing the person's words and your own thoughts allow you to ask yourself what emotions and insights your counter-story offers to help you understand what the other person is saying...where she/he is at.

Engage with the other's presence. If the other person is sitting up straight, you sit up straight. Reflect the posture and tone of the other person in an appropriate way. If the other person has used certain words with emphasis, use some of these same words as you respond. Test out what you are hearing by asking a question using these words or guessing at a feeling that you sense is being expressed. For instance, "Am I hearing that you...Is that right? I am getting the sense that your are conflicted about the situation? Is that where you are?"

Note the other's feelings. These may never be defined by the words that the other person is saying. For example, you may never hear, "I am livid about how so and so treated me." But, these emotions are being expressed through the person's tone of voice, body language, choice of vocabulary used and the rate of speaking. Are you picking up on these clues? They are, after all, 85% of what is being said.

Make it a goal to practice these skills daily.

Listening is the foundation of making connection with people. Listening tells people if you want a connection or not.

In a Fog about Social Networking?

Does "social networking" have you in a fog? There are so many tools/sites and issues from privacy concerns to "why is someone telling me they just finished their morning walk?"
But, we hear that companies and and even non-profits are using "social networking" and reaping noteworthy roi and better networking.
Who can help us sort this out?
Enter: Darin Hartley and "10 Steps to Successful Social Networking for Business" - ASTD Press, 2010.
His first chapter alone provides a great handle on understanding the site and tools. Subsequent chapters provide a worksheet approach to assessing, planning, implementing, and evaluating use of the tools.

We can use these tools to make connections and tell people the Good News of Christ.

See more at http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=179311153315

I would also suggest: The Networked Nonprofit: Connecting with Social Media to Drive Change by Beth Kanter, et al

Connecting: Make it Your 2009 Goal, Not Just Resolution

As I was perusing the books at a Barnes and Noble store just before Christmas, my eyes caught hold of a book entitled loneliness by John T. Cacioppo and William Patrick; Norton, 2008 (lack of captilization reflects the design of the book cover). To further connect with possible readers the jacket of the book displays a single large black dot in the midst of the ivory background color.  One could mistake this for a bit of dirt or misplaced drop of ink deposited during its production or handling, but a quick look at the spine of the book jacket displays the same black dot.

Having a pastor's heart and always struggling with this state-of-being myself and seeing and hearing it in the lives of others. I quickly picked it up and started paging through the book. Soon I found the following:

"...social isolation has an impact on health comparable to the effect of high blood pressure, lack of exercise, obesity, or smoking" (p. 5).

I bought the book. I found it to be a good read, challenging, insightful, and down-to-earth helpful. My thirst for learning was more than quenched by the brief tours through neurophysiology (reviewing functions of different parts of the brain) and presentation of evolutionary thinking (important to the authors' arguments, but does not have to be swallowed whole to get much personally and professionally out of the book). At no place was I left with only theory without application to my personal and social life.

In the last chapter (p 247 ff), the authors underscored the importance of taking steps to become aware of loneliness and to take steps to use it as a driver toward making connections, building community.

"In 1985, when researchers asked a cross-section of the American people, 'How many confidants do you have?' the most common response to the question was three. In 2004, when researchers asked again, the most common response - made by twenty-five percent of the respondents - was none. One-quarter of these twenty-first century Americans said they had no one at all with whom to talk openly and intimately."

The authors also noted that research is suggesting that those who look to overcome loneliness by making connection online through their computer are ending up with a greater depth of loneliness. Other electronic tools the authors briefly mention include telephone and SimCity technologies.

That's the bad news.  The good news from the authors is that there are those who today "adventitiously address human loneliness in each of the three dimensions - intimate, relational, and collective." Those the authors are crediting with this are Christian churches, specifically the megachurches mentioned of Schuller, Warren, and Osteen. "From education, to dating services, to daycare, to psychological and marital counseling, to basketball tournaments, they provide one-stop shopping for human connection in many different forms" (p. 254). The authors also acknowledge "all the faiths that have large numbers of adherents" (Confucianism, Buddhism, Islam, and Buddhism) have as a key the "human need for connection and social support."

Small churches were not included in the authors' discussion. I would guess that this was precluded by the parameters and focus of the book rather than an inference of the authors that less-than-megachurch churches do not address human loneliness.

Christ's call. Covenant. Vine and branches. For God so loved the world... The Church.

In 2009 how would you become aware of those - in the community in which you live AND in your church - who are not connected, who could be saved by your offering connection through invitation to be part of One and that which that One called into being as His tool for connecting - Christ's Church?

Who'd Have 'Thunk'?

My favorite television program on Saturday during my early teen years was "Game of the Week." If I remember correctly it was on NBC. One reason that it was my favorite was the colorful descriptions and stories of past baseball players by the broadcasters Peewee Reese, Curt Gowdy Sr, and Dizzy Dean. I remember one remarkable discussion following one player's stealing of third base. Dizzy used the words, "he slud into third." Gowdy's reaction: "You mean slid, don't you." Dizzy responded by saying his "slud" came from slide, slud, just like sing, sung. 

Dizzy wasn't the best grammarian, but he was colorful. His descriptions and his stories attracted and engaged those watching.

People, young and old, are always looking for this type of engagement in worship services. When it is not there their spirit's sense a boredom, irrelevancy, and gloom. Yet, worship is a time of accepting and participating in God's invitation to be present. Wonders! Miracles! Stories of God's work! Sensing God's presence!

Area III of the ABC Great Rivers Region have invited and scheduled Len Wilson and Jason Moore of Midnight Oil Productions to share a seminar on Creative Worship.  This seminar will be hosted by First Baptist Church of Peoria IL on March 8, 2008. This seminar is not purposed to demonstrate technology, but to engage us in better facilitating worship of our God through intentionally designing and implementing worship services. "Creative" Worship is meant to stretch us to use verbal, audio, visual, and even kinesthetic cues to engage worshippers...to take the metaphors of this age, redeem them, and use them to witness to God's work in Jesus Christ.

Whether or not you choose to register and participate in this seminar, ask yourself "What can I do to help our worship service better engage people of all ages and offer them a "holy and safe place" pregnant with the opportunity to encounter God?"

Beginner's Blues

Back in 1987, I purchased my first computer. It was a cutting edge laptop computer - not even a "luggable." It was a Zenith with two 3.5" drives (one for the program disc, one for writing the data files), a great mono screen. It would even work with a mouse. No hard drive, but then I had not heard of such a thing.

I turned my attention to learning the basics of DOS and then MS Word. Once I did, I ordered an Epson NLQ dot matrix 24 pin printer. It took a while to configure it, but once I did I was off and running.

So far, except for configuring the drives to be able to print out the documents, this was very exciting. However, the blues quickly set in because I went over the top in my excitement about this new tool.

First, there was the bulletin. I found that I could change the default font by making it bold or italic or both. I thought this would prove useful in stressing some important dates and events listed in the worship bulletin. This was fine until a person I respected very much told me that I had overdone it. He was right. When most were put in bold, the eye was distracted from what should have been emphasized.

Next, there was that large amount of time that I chose to use to learn programs such as DBase III+ and Lotus 1 2 3. I look back now and kid my wife and tell her I had made her a computer widow at the time. I chose to get my office and visiting work done, but would spend time late into the nights at home reading manuals and trying these out. Looking back is less painful than it was at the time, at least relationship wise.

Then there were the times when I learned "best practices" of computer use the hard way. The first time I prepared my income taxes using Lotus 1 2 3, I had been working on that laptop for some 3 hours setting up the interactive spreadsheet to dynamically change as I updated figures. I was so into this that when my daughter toddled into the study and reached up for me to pick her up and set her in my lap, I had felt "must I?" Yet, I did. But I had forgotten to save my work. She was so fascinated with all those keyboard buttons... All I can say is that putting together the dynamic spreadsheet went more quickly the second time.

I read today the following in Naked Conversations by Scoble and Israel.

   "Blogging has lots of advantages. Lots of people can get to know you with a minimal amount of effort on either side. But, when push comes to shove, it's no way to build a deep relationship. If the only way people know you is through your blog, you become one-dimensional. There's a reason why industry conferences and trade shows are still well attended. Nothing beats face-to-face meetings. They are certainly more intimate and memorable than meeting through a grid of pixels on a computer screen"
(p 179).

Beginner's Blues refers to the forced learning of better using tech tools. It is found in both using the newly discovered tool for everything you do AND spending most of your time using the tool.

Be careful. When your personal relationships with people in the church are difficult, it is often easier to retreat to your office and use the computer. When people offer criticism as to how you use it or kid you about playing with your new toy, you may become defensive and not listen and learn.

Pray for discipline in the use of this tool. Spend the time to use it. It is a valuable tool and can help you in your ministry, but it is one of many tools that you need to use.

Getting out and mixing with people in visitations, making phone calls, participating in socials, preparing for meetings, and attending community events are also tools of ministry. Don't ignore them.

Connecting through Conversation Following the Sermon

Sunday is the first day of the week. Yet, most include it in "the weekend." Pastors know this better than most. When she or he starts preaching it is the final act of a week long drama of preparation. For many, that sermon started months ago with prayerful discernment of a preaching plan for the year. However, for most, aside from an occasional comment following the message / sermon, that's it. When that sermon is finished it is time for continuing to the next.

Is there an opportunity for making connection that is being missed?

Steve Mecham, Sr. Pastor of First Baptist Church of Decatur IL, has connected with people by using a blog for discussion of the sermon and worship. He has intentionally asked for those who were in attendance to respond to his comments on the service and the sermon. His invitation has been accepted and continues the conversation on Sunday afternoons via his blog.

Greg Huguley, Sr. Pastor of Elgin IL First Baptist Church, names his blog "What I Should Have Said..." In his postings he follows up on the sermon, services, and other activities.

Randy Gauger, Sr. Pastor of First Baptist Church of Champaign at Savoy IL, is also a regular blogger. He had heard about this connecting tool and chose to learn more by choosing a workshop led by Kem Meyer. The church's home page now has a list of all staff members' blogs.

I would encourage you to check out these blogs, chat with their authors, and with prayer discern if this is a tool that you should be using. This is not a tool for everyone, but for those it is, it will be an opportunity to make connections.