Telling Connections

Connecting: Make it Your 2009 Goal, Not Just Resolution

As I was perusing the books at a Barnes and Noble store just before Christmas, my eyes caught hold of a book entitled loneliness by John T. Cacioppo and William Patrick; Norton, 2008 (lack of captilization reflects the design of the book cover). To further connect with possible readers the jacket of the book displays a single large black dot in the midst of the ivory background color.  One could mistake this for a bit of dirt or misplaced drop of ink deposited during its production or handling, but a quick look at the spine of the book jacket displays the same black dot.

Having a pastor's heart and always struggling with this state-of-being myself and seeing and hearing it in the lives of others. I quickly picked it up and started paging through the book. Soon I found the following:

"...social isolation has an impact on health comparable to the effect of high blood pressure, lack of exercise, obesity, or smoking" (p. 5).

I bought the book. I found it to be a good read, challenging, insightful, and down-to-earth helpful. My thirst for learning was more than quenched by the brief tours through neurophysiology (reviewing functions of different parts of the brain) and presentation of evolutionary thinking (important to the authors' arguments, but does not have to be swallowed whole to get much personally and professionally out of the book). At no place was I left with only theory without application to my personal and social life.

In the last chapter (p 247 ff), the authors underscored the importance of taking steps to become aware of loneliness and to take steps to use it as a driver toward making connections, building community.

"In 1985, when researchers asked a cross-section of the American people, 'How many confidants do you have?' the most common response to the question was three. In 2004, when researchers asked again, the most common response - made by twenty-five percent of the respondents - was none. One-quarter of these twenty-first century Americans said they had no one at all with whom to talk openly and intimately."

The authors also noted that research is suggesting that those who look to overcome loneliness by making connection online through their computer are ending up with a greater depth of loneliness. Other electronic tools the authors briefly mention include telephone and SimCity technologies.

That's the bad news.  The good news from the authors is that there are those who today "adventitiously address human loneliness in each of the three dimensions - intimate, relational, and collective." Those the authors are crediting with this are Christian churches, specifically the megachurches mentioned of Schuller, Warren, and Osteen. "From education, to dating services, to daycare, to psychological and marital counseling, to basketball tournaments, they provide one-stop shopping for human connection in many different forms" (p. 254). The authors also acknowledge "all the faiths that have large numbers of adherents" (Confucianism, Buddhism, Islam, and Buddhism) have as a key the "human need for connection and social support."

Small churches were not included in the authors' discussion. I would guess that this was precluded by the parameters and focus of the book rather than an inference of the authors that less-than-megachurch churches do not address human loneliness.

Christ's call. Covenant. Vine and branches. For God so loved the world... The Church.

In 2009 how would you become aware of those - in the community in which you live AND in your church - who are not connected, who could be saved by your offering connection through invitation to be part of One and that which that One called into being as His tool for connecting - Christ's Church?

Are We "Shorting Out" Our Ability to Connect?

Few of us would be without a good surge protector to lessen the chance of burning out our computers, printers, and related equipment.

However, most of us - including yours truly - do not take the same precautions about what surges of activity are doing to our embedded computers, i.e. our brains. How often do you find yourself typing an e-mail, talking on the phone, and monitoring a video stream at the same time?

We have come to refer to this as multitasking. For many of us, it has become the norm. Gone are the days where just the busiest of managers and homemakers (male and female) do it on a regular basis.

I have another question, "What is my multitasking doing to the connections I am attempting to make with people?"

I have not gotten to the point where I continue to do several things when someone calls and needs to talk, not just ask for information. The only reason that I have not is that those closest to me often call me on this and help me to put the other stuff down for a minute. In their challenge, I find a sobriety of activity that carries over to other conversations.

I am reminded of a term that describes "less-than-good" electrical connections: "shorting out".

Are we "shorting-out" the relationships that we have by not making sure that the connections we have are intentional and focused? If so, the brain will not be the only part of us that gets fried.

I am taking steps to do fewer tasks at once, one step at a time. Join me.

Responding When Someone Reaches Out to You

Have we been programmed by our use of media, especially television and radio?

This question is not to ask about how our values and world views may have been affected by these media, but how our communication practices may have been.

When we consume, we don't have to respond. We watch. We listen. Most of us do not make an effort to engage the actors and other on-air personalities.

Does this carry over to our other communications?

When I "consume" the communications of a friend, colleague, or acquaintance, do I consistently respond? This is the question that I wrestled with during the hour it took me to return to my office after lunch with a friend yesterday. My friend had asked me if I ever received responses from certain offices with whom he and I have attempted to make connection by use of e-mails and phone calls.

Back in the office I looked at the list of e-mails that had arrived during the time I was out. In addition to the spam, I saw one  I had not expected from a friend and colleague in ministry. I opened it. It was a simple "Thank You." It was his response to an e-mail I had sent several colleagues containing attachments about coming events.

The question that my lunch conversation generated became more pressing. This "Thank You" was from one of the busiest colleagues I sent the general e-mail to. Of all those who could have chosen not to respond even with clicking on "reply", typing "Thank You" and clicking on "Send" --- thus taking a few precious moments of his time --- he could have made the best case to not do so. But, he didn't. He responded. He made a deeper connection with me.

Am I asking to receive a "Thank You" to all my general e-mails? No. But I am asking, do we respond to others' reaching out to us --- who are trying to make a connection with us --- as we do television and other media? How do we treat others in their attempts to make connection with us?

Does the rapid pace, the multiple multi-taskings we are ever sacrificing ourselves to, allow us to ignore those who have reached out to us as if their attempt to communicate with us is one of those many impersonal broadcasts we consume each day?

So many responsibilities! So many people! So few hours! So busy! Has this litany - repeated in some way by most of us - been our telling connection to others. That is, do we tell others by our lack of response that we do not want a connection with them?

In other words, are we hear to consume and be consumed or to serve?

Who'd Have 'Thunk'?

My favorite television program on Saturday during my early teen years was "Game of the Week." If I remember correctly it was on NBC. One reason that it was my favorite was the colorful descriptions and stories of past baseball players by the broadcasters Peewee Reese, Curt Gowdy Sr, and Dizzy Dean. I remember one remarkable discussion following one player's stealing of third base. Dizzy used the words, "he slud into third." Gowdy's reaction: "You mean slid, don't you." Dizzy responded by saying his "slud" came from slide, slud, just like sing, sung. 

Dizzy wasn't the best grammarian, but he was colorful. His descriptions and his stories attracted and engaged those watching.

People, young and old, are always looking for this type of engagement in worship services. When it is not there their spirit's sense a boredom, irrelevancy, and gloom. Yet, worship is a time of accepting and participating in God's invitation to be present. Wonders! Miracles! Stories of God's work! Sensing God's presence!

Area III of the ABC Great Rivers Region have invited and scheduled Len Wilson and Jason Moore of Midnight Oil Productions to share a seminar on Creative Worship.  This seminar will be hosted by First Baptist Church of Peoria IL on March 8, 2008. This seminar is not purposed to demonstrate technology, but to engage us in better facilitating worship of our God through intentionally designing and implementing worship services. "Creative" Worship is meant to stretch us to use verbal, audio, visual, and even kinesthetic cues to engage worshippers...to take the metaphors of this age, redeem them, and use them to witness to God's work in Jesus Christ.

Whether or not you choose to register and participate in this seminar, ask yourself "What can I do to help our worship service better engage people of all ages and offer them a "holy and safe place" pregnant with the opportunity to encounter God?"

Communication's Cancer

Cancer. The word evokes fear, grief, helplessness, and hopelessness. I have had my mother, mother-in-law, niece and many other loved-ones die of cancer.

What many may not know about cancer is that this evil is actually the the results of, as a friend has described, "good cells run ammuck." When good cells continue to grow uncontrollably their growth becomes lethal to the rest of the systems of the body and eventually to the body itself.

Our communications can become cancerous. Good words can run ammuck. Words inappropriately timed, excessively stated, or targeted without discerning the audience are cancerous to our ongoing communication.

There is a less complex word for this: "Defensiveness."

Again, I quote from Naked Conversations by Scoble and Israel,

  "Whenever you are accused of doing something wrong, don't fight back - at least not at first. Listen, listen, listen. Try to get into the other person's shoes. Try to understand why he or she is angry with you before reacting. Always learn something from the interchange, even if you get fired. Don't go dark [withdraw], either. Over-communicate with everyone around you during a crisis. Say you're sorry if it turns out you were wrong. Mean it. If you were right, be respectful and as humble as absolutely possible. Give the other person a way to win, even if he or she is wrong. It's always best to see another day." (p. 195)

The authors are writing about blogging. But, blogging is a form of communication.

In the early moments or days of your being criticized, your natural reaction of offering explanations of why you have done or said something that now has you in trouble, are not heard as attempts to continue communication or start a dialog on a subject, but as a way that you are trying to rationalize your behavior. Your words may find an audience much later, but at first they are only heard as "I am not the one in the wrong here. You are." In short, you are defending yourself. You will either escalate the criticism or find others give up on you as recalcitrant - unwilling to even consider for good or bad, their words and your words and actions that brought you to this place.

Your words, the cells of communication, have become damaging to the whole body of communication and relationship. Defensiveness will eventually destroy relationships.

What has helped me in dealing with the sting and hits of criticism - hurt cannot not be present - is to re-frame the criticism as analysis. The word "criticism" has become so loaded down with baggage - mostly negative and destructive. When I do this I am more likely to enter into a conversation with the critic and coaching my critic so that I can learn.

But, I cannot learn anything or deal positively with the criticism until I take Scoble's and Israel's directive to heart and do it: Listen, listen, listen.

When you are clear of that last season of criticism and are healing; and before you get hit again, explore the possibility of learning to be a better listener. I would suggest the seminar on listening strategies by John Savage. Give me a call or send me an e-mail, I would love to be able to tell you about it. It is what has helped me tremendously.

Beginner's Blues

Back in 1987, I purchased my first computer. It was a cutting edge laptop computer - not even a "luggable." It was a Zenith with two 3.5" drives (one for the program disc, one for writing the data files), a great mono screen. It would even work with a mouse. No hard drive, but then I had not heard of such a thing.

I turned my attention to learning the basics of DOS and then MS Word. Once I did, I ordered an Epson NLQ dot matrix 24 pin printer. It took a while to configure it, but once I did I was off and running.

So far, except for configuring the drives to be able to print out the documents, this was very exciting. However, the blues quickly set in because I went over the top in my excitement about this new tool.

First, there was the bulletin. I found that I could change the default font by making it bold or italic or both. I thought this would prove useful in stressing some important dates and events listed in the worship bulletin. This was fine until a person I respected very much told me that I had overdone it. He was right. When most were put in bold, the eye was distracted from what should have been emphasized.

Next, there was that large amount of time that I chose to use to learn programs such as DBase III+ and Lotus 1 2 3. I look back now and kid my wife and tell her I had made her a computer widow at the time. I chose to get my office and visiting work done, but would spend time late into the nights at home reading manuals and trying these out. Looking back is less painful than it was at the time, at least relationship wise.

Then there were the times when I learned "best practices" of computer use the hard way. The first time I prepared my income taxes using Lotus 1 2 3, I had been working on that laptop for some 3 hours setting up the interactive spreadsheet to dynamically change as I updated figures. I was so into this that when my daughter toddled into the study and reached up for me to pick her up and set her in my lap, I had felt "must I?" Yet, I did. But I had forgotten to save my work. She was so fascinated with all those keyboard buttons... All I can say is that putting together the dynamic spreadsheet went more quickly the second time.

I read today the following in Naked Conversations by Scoble and Israel.

   "Blogging has lots of advantages. Lots of people can get to know you with a minimal amount of effort on either side. But, when push comes to shove, it's no way to build a deep relationship. If the only way people know you is through your blog, you become one-dimensional. There's a reason why industry conferences and trade shows are still well attended. Nothing beats face-to-face meetings. They are certainly more intimate and memorable than meeting through a grid of pixels on a computer screen"
(p 179).

Beginner's Blues refers to the forced learning of better using tech tools. It is found in both using the newly discovered tool for everything you do AND spending most of your time using the tool.

Be careful. When your personal relationships with people in the church are difficult, it is often easier to retreat to your office and use the computer. When people offer criticism as to how you use it or kid you about playing with your new toy, you may become defensive and not listen and learn.

Pray for discipline in the use of this tool. Spend the time to use it. It is a valuable tool and can help you in your ministry, but it is one of many tools that you need to use.

Getting out and mixing with people in visitations, making phone calls, participating in socials, preparing for meetings, and attending community events are also tools of ministry. Don't ignore them.

Why Many Pastors Hate E-mail

"You don't want to know."

Ever hear those words during a conversation when someone mentions that a person has criticized you or something/someone you are loyally committed to and you have asked, "What did he say?" By not telling you, the person you ask is trying to spare you the emotional "hit" and perhaps, trying to rescue the relationship you may have with the person saying such harsh things.

There are few places where comments to people can be as filled with poison and crudeness as they can be in an e-mail. Add to that our expectations that church people are, or ought to be, gracious. Now, you are set up for not just emotional "hits" but mushroom cloud explosions in your soul.  And, worst of all is the oft-repeated practice of these e-mails not being signed.

In the first church I served, long before e-mail was available to anybody but huge corporations, I received such a letter. In this case it was signed. I knew the person. This person had become a member of the church I was pastoring. Yet, the content was in no way encouraging a healthy relationship. It was one line after another of comparing me with another pastor - personally and professionally. One phrase after another lifted the other pastor up on a pedestal and put me in Gehenna. This other pastor was not a predecessor of mine, but a pastor of another church in the community.

After beating myself up for awhile, my wife suggested that the church I pastored and I myself would best be served if I shared the letter with the Diaconate. I did. They listened to my anxiety and hurt. They encouraged me. Then they sent two of the Deacons to explore with the author of the letter what might be at the center of such comments. Finding no un-addressed affront by me, the Deacons admonished this person and suggested that this person leave the church in favor of joining the church whose pastor this person admired.

If only anonymous e-mails could be handled like this! They sting. Pastors have hearts that are particularly vulnerable. That's what helps them to be good pastors.

When we receive criticism it is difficult to distinguish whether the words are legitimate calls for growth on our part, calls for help on the part of the authors, a satanic dart to destroy, or a call for growth or for help used by the enemy to destroy. Many times we are set up by the amount of stress we are already dealing with consciously or unconsciously.

Before empowering the anonymous criticism by further beating yourself up or addressing it in a general way from the pulpit, blog, website, or newsletter,  pray for discernment. Describe how you are feeling about it to God. You will find some peace in this, more each day. Allow God to direct you to a person you can share this with in all confidence. (Your area minister would be glad to be that person.)

Use this occasion as a learning time. Ask yourself, "What am I learning about myself in the way I have reacted to this criticism? Is there anything here that I can use, whether the author's language was of the tone of helping or hurting, to grow?  Is this a call for help. Remember, some people will dare you to care for them before they will allow you to care for them.

There is no getting beyond the emotional "hit." There is no such thing as immediately feeling release from the pain when someone tells you with all sincerity, "Don't take it personally."

There is a choice. Grow. You cannot control the other person, but you can take steps to grow in your dependence upon God and in your fellowship with others and come out of this a stronger, better equipped servant.

Choose the Right Tool

One of the first times I remember my parents'  raising their voices to each other was when my mother was taking the knives, forks, and spoons out of the drawer as she set the table for dinner. She found one of the knives with a deformed point. She called my dad and asked him if he had been using the knife as a screwdriver. He had not. I had. I learned that using tools for purposes that they were not designed hurts the tool and does not help the tool's user get the job done as well.

In an earlier post I mentioned that churches have several communication tools available to them. In that post I focused on keeping the tools clean and sharp. Here, let's look at some best uses for each.

Blogs:
   Strength: Wider or specifically defined audience depending upon how a blog is set up. Two way
     communication,though asynchronos (not in real time), if set up to allow comments.
   Weakness: Allowing comments allows sniper attacks, trolling, and other negative remarks.

Bulletin Boards:
   Strength: Asynchronos (not real time) posting of questions and responses. Gathers multiple
      responses.
   Weakness: For many less user-friendly than other communication devices. Not everyone has a
      computer. Demands technical maintenance and moderating.

Chat Rooms:
  Strength: Synchronos (real time) chat with all who are logged in. Good for planning/preparation
  Weakness: Not all have a computer. Sometimes requires a moderator, especially with larger number
    of users.

Conferencing:
  Strength: Real time, multiple party, communication for working on projects, e-learning, etc.
  Weakness: Costly. Must be hosted by a company and contract per session/minute/year signed.

Direct Mail:
  Strength: Increase the number of person who you are able to send material to.
  Weakness: Impersonal; treated by most as junk mail.

E-mail - targeted audience:
  Strength: Specify few or many.  Ability to quickly send out a message and documents (with
     attachments) to a specified list of people quickly.
  Weakness: Not everyone has/uses e-mail; Spammers have made e-mailers cautious about opening
     messages they are not expecting.

Instant Messaging:
  Strength: Synchronos (real time) two way and multi-party by words, voice, and video.
  Weakness: Good for limited number. Malware magnet for computers. Not everyone has a computer.

Newsletter- a targeted audience
  Strengths: Most everyone has a postal address. Space for longer articles. Great way to follow up with
     visitors on the larger mission of the church - if the articles are substantive, but not complex and the
     layout is attractive.
  Weakness: More and more costly as postage, paper, and copying costs rise. Limited by how often it is 
     sent out as to how up-to-date it is.

Online Newsletter - targeted audience
  Strengths: Same as above, but can be sent out more often because of lower distribution costs.
  Weakness: How current it is depends upon how often it is published. Not everyone has e-mail

Personal Mail including notes and cards
  Strengths: Personal and meaningful for recognizing important days, accomplishments, and stressors
    in persons' lives. Needs to be used in addition to listing all birthdays with other tools.
  Weakness: Demands consistency in both audience and messages.

Personal Visits by those gifted with hospitality and pastoral abilities.
  Strength: Personal and most affirming. Too often not a priority for many members and some pastors
  Weakness: If only done by pastor or if only done by members of the church. If only done at times of
     crisis.

Telephone:
   Strength: Personal; can be used to set up appointments for use of other tools to communicate
   Weakness: Poor telephone habits; telephone demands real time communication whether the other
     party(ies) are available or not. Cannot include documents. Can be intrusive.

Web Site:
  Strength: Can be up-to-the-hour in being current. World-wide audience.
  Weakness: Strong or as weak as the articles and how often it is updated. Some do not have access
     to the web. Demands a discerning eye to prevent violations of privacy and safety of those whose
     names and/or pictures appear in the web pages of the site.

Wiki:
  Strength: Web-like content yet allows most users to contribute. Some pages can be "locked down"
  Weakness: Openness allows trolling, snipers, and anonymous criticisms. Not real time.

What is the communication method will make the best connection needed by the person or persons being reached out to?

Many of these tools can supplement and complement one another. One tool should not be substituted for another. For instance, listing birthdays cannot substitute for a telephone call, card, or personal e-mail sent to the one having one.

Your Tool Box

My tool box contains a mix of mechanical, woodworking, plumbing, drywall, painting, and computer hardware tools. Some of these I use quite often. Some I use only occasionally. If I keep them on hand and clean, sharpened, and otherwise maintain them then I can use them more effectively and not become as frustrated when I need them.

The tools that a church has in a communications tool box includes the weekly bulletin, church bulletin boards, church literature tables and racks, newsletters - both mailed and online, web site(s), e-mail, blogs, and even direct mail.

Each of these tools has its unique use. Let's reserve that for another posting of this blog. What I would like to explore with you right now is the general use and care of these tools.

How clean are these tools?  How sharp are they?

Literature racks and tables are something that are one of the first places many visitors will look as they wait to be greeted or as they wait for their family members to hang up their coats. Some of the material in these racks or on these tables may need to be "cleaned up", not just neatly arranged. Is it dated?  I have seen some material in some churches that is yellowed from age. Is the church brochure needing to be updated? Is the devotional guide current? Is the issue of the Mainstream the most recent.

How "clean" and "sharp" is the material on the bulletin board? Are there posters of past events? How far past?

Do you have a web site? Has it been updated this week? There is a growing dissatisfaction with web sites that do not have this coming week's events already posted. Keeping a web site up-to-date is more work than designing and posting it in the first place, but keeping it up-to-date is where the real value of having a web site resides.

How sharp is the tool that we refer to as the church newsletter? Does it communicate the present ministry of your church in an inviting way? Is it filled with poems, quotes, large graphics, and other material that send the message, "Does this church know what it is about? Is there anything going on here other than weekly worship?" Newsletters are like some tools that wear down. They need to be sharpened from time to time. Sometimes that means to go from 2 - 5 pages to 1 - 2.

Many churches have found that their church bulletins have come to be more of a worship leader "play-by-play" than they are useful to those who have come to worship. Has this tool of yours come to be like this. Many tools have "buildups" of material as they are used.

From time to time it is good to have a person who has never seen your communication tools to give some feedback about them. Better yet, ask more than one person. Also, ask some persons in your church to give you some feedback. Your primary goal in this is to get some ideas as to how to present these to our Lord as the best tools that we can use.

Connecting through Conversation Following the Sermon

Sunday is the first day of the week. Yet, most include it in "the weekend." Pastors know this better than most. When she or he starts preaching it is the final act of a week long drama of preparation. For many, that sermon started months ago with prayerful discernment of a preaching plan for the year. However, for most, aside from an occasional comment following the message / sermon, that's it. When that sermon is finished it is time for continuing to the next.

Is there an opportunity for making connection that is being missed?

Steve Mecham, Sr. Pastor of First Baptist Church of Decatur IL, has connected with people by using a blog for discussion of the sermon and worship. He has intentionally asked for those who were in attendance to respond to his comments on the service and the sermon. His invitation has been accepted and continues the conversation on Sunday afternoons via his blog.

Greg Huguley, Sr. Pastor of Elgin IL First Baptist Church, names his blog "What I Should Have Said..." In his postings he follows up on the sermon, services, and other activities.

Randy Gauger, Sr. Pastor of First Baptist Church of Champaign at Savoy IL, is also a regular blogger. He had heard about this connecting tool and chose to learn more by choosing a workshop led by Kem Meyer. The church's home page now has a list of all staff members' blogs.

I would encourage you to check out these blogs, chat with their authors, and with prayer discern if this is a tool that you should be using. This is not a tool for everyone, but for those it is, it will be an opportunity to make connections.