"He / She doesn't listen."
This is often the first comment that I hear from those who have contacted me expressing some dissatisfaction about their pastor or colleague.
John Savage, author of the "Calling and Caring" lab experience reminded his students that our society teaches us to talk, not to listen.
Listening is work; listening is difficult work when it is effectively done.
Skills can be learned that can make most everyone a better listener. These require more than reading a book or article; they require practice. Expertise requires using the skills and getting feedback that will celebrate good listening practices and challenge weakly practiced skills.
For a start I present 6 basic action verbs to guide you in developing your listening skills. They spell out the word "listen."
Look at the person (Unless the culture tells you this is inappropriate, get and maintain eye contact. If you can't do this, at least look at the bridge of the nose.)
Invest time in this person. Listening is not something that can be shortened in time like using a microwave oven rather than a conventional oven. It takes time; but, think of this time as an investment in the person you are listening to, your relationship with this person and the mission you and the other person share.
Serve the person that you are listening to. That is, it's not about you; it's about that other person. Shift your attitude from "this is a bother" to "this is a brother/sister who needs an ear."
Tell no counter-story. A counter-story is a memory of something or someone or some event that comes to mind as the person you are listening to is speaking. Resist the temptation of sharing that story. Instead, let the time you have between processing the person's words and your own thoughts allow you to ask yourself what emotions and insights your counter-story offers to help you understand what the other person is saying...where she/he is at.
Engage with the other's presence. If the other person is sitting up straight, you sit up straight. Reflect the posture and tone of the other person in an appropriate way. If the other person has used certain words with emphasis, use some of these same words as you respond. Test out what you are hearing by asking a question using these words or guessing at a feeling that you sense is being expressed. For instance, "Am I hearing that you...Is that right? I am getting the sense that your are conflicted about the situation? Is that where you are?"
Note the other's feelings. These may never be defined by the words that the other person is saying. For example, you may never hear, "I am livid about how so and so treated me." But, these emotions are being expressed through the person's tone of voice, body language, choice of vocabulary used and the rate of speaking. Are you picking up on these clues? They are, after all, 85% of what is being said.
Make it a goal to practice these skills daily.
Listening is the foundation of making connection with people. Listening tells people if you want a connection or not.
