Telling Connections

Hate your job? Finding it more and more difficult to go to church?

These two may have more in common than what you might first think.

In "The Three Signs of a Miserable Job" (Jossey-Bass, 2007), Patrick Lencioni names three factors that contribute to a sense of my current employment being or becoming 'miserable.' These three are:

1. Anonymity - do my boss, my peers, those I serve, know who I am?
2. Irrelevance - is doing my job making a difference to anyone?
3. Immeasurability - Lencioni acknowledges that no such word exists but there was "no real synonym to describe the lack of a clear means of assessing progress and success of doing my job."

Lencioni admits that these are no-brainers, but no-brainers about which we need to be constantly reminded. To overcome these generators of misery both manager and employee have work to do alone and with each other. Without this work, the job - whatever it's compensation and perks - will return misery for our efforts.

As I was reading this book, I thought of my own job, my boss, and my peers, those I serve, and my perceptions of this service. I also started to reflect on those who become dissatisfied with 'going to church.' Church becomes a 'miserable experience' for many every week. Think this through with me with the following questions and Bible passages which I will cite, but not quote.

Do we practice anonymity? As people arrive at church, what happens? Is there a greeting, an engagement with each one, a connection? "Does anyone here know who I am?" During your coffee fellowship after or before service, are there persons who are standing alone looking around with no one approaching them and no one available to talk with them (everybody engaged in their own circles)? Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John described how Jesus went to the 'people of the land' known by some as the 'unclean.' These were not people that the 'religious' wanted to know or cared to know. But Jesus did. Jesus invited being 'bothered' so that persons would know they mattered.

Relevance or irrelevance? Do we help those who attend church to participate as church? Do we help them discover who they are - as God has called them and gifted them (Ephesians 4) - so they may learn who they can serve and how? Or, do we practice alchemy - assuming that when more come and give more, each person coming and giving will automatically grow in faith and joy.

Are we helping each person learn how to assess their growth in Christ? This 'immeasureability' is a tough one. Yet, God's Word teaches us that we are to grow in Christ (Romans 12:1 - 2; Philippians 2; John 13:12 - 16 are a few of many). There are more than subjective mileposts for gauging that growth - and they exist more than faithful attendance and tithe. John sent his disciples to Jesus to make sure that Jesus was 'the One.' How did Jesus answer them (Matthew 11:2 - 6)? Were they not measurements of what had been done? Our journey with Christ becomes miserable if it is only a 'treadmill' experience that really leads nowhere.

Are you as pastor helping persons have a joyful experience? Are you helping lay leaders have greater joy? Know each. Help them learn who they serve and how they make a difference. Help them learn what to look for as progress in making a difference.

Are you as a church leader helping others and your pastor to overcome fears of being anonymous, irrelevant? Are you helping your pastor and members of the congregation discern God's mileposts and progress made toward those mileposts?

Have you yet thought of how Jesus described this process?

In one word: Discipleship (Matthew 28:19 - 20). Yes, it's a no-brainer. But, the brain stressed with so many daily responsibilities often forgets and needs to be reminded.

Change is not transition. In a time of constant and increasingly rapid change, transition is often an afterthought...until people we lead get stuck.

How can we become leaders who can lead through change and the transitions that change invokes?

Bunker and Wakefield in their book, Leading with Authenticity in Times of Transition (Center for Creative Leadership), lift up the following 3 steps:
1. Examine your mental models of leadership. What we believe about leadership deep down, from what we have learned in our studies and experiences, will be what we default to when we experience challenges to completing changes we are leading. These may not be enough to lead people through.
2. Understand that change and transition are different. The former involves how processes, activities, and such become different. Transition describes what the effects of change have on the emotional core of people we lead and how these emotions are acted out.
3. Improve your ability to learn. Increasing your ability to learn increases your ability to adjust to change and transition.

Foundation for Developing Personal and Professional Relationships

"He / She doesn't listen."

This is often the first comment that I hear from those who have contacted me expressing some dissatisfaction about their pastor or colleague.

John Savage, author of the "Calling and Caring" lab experience reminded his students that our society teaches us to talk, not to listen.

Listening is work; listening is difficult work when it is effectively done.

Skills can be learned that can make most everyone a better listener. These require more than reading a book or article; they require practice. Expertise requires using the skills and getting feedback that will celebrate good listening practices and challenge weakly practiced skills.

For a start I present 6 basic action verbs to guide you in developing your listening skills. They spell out the word "listen."

Look at the person (Unless the culture tells you this is inappropriate, get and maintain eye contact. If you can't do this, at least look at the bridge of the nose.)

Invest time in this person. Listening is not something that can be shortened in time like using a microwave oven rather than a conventional oven. It takes time; but, think of this time as an investment in the person you are listening to, your relationship with this person and the mission you and the other person share.

Serve the person that you are listening to. That is, it's not about you; it's about that other person. Shift your attitude from "this is a bother" to "this is a brother/sister who needs an ear."

Tell no counter-story. A counter-story is a memory of something or someone or some event that comes to mind as the person you are listening to is speaking. Resist the temptation of sharing that story. Instead, let the time you have between processing the person's words and your own thoughts allow you to ask yourself what emotions and insights your counter-story offers to help you understand what the other person is saying...where she/he is at.

Engage with the other's presence. If the other person is sitting up straight, you sit up straight. Reflect the posture and tone of the other person in an appropriate way. If the other person has used certain words with emphasis, use some of these same words as you respond. Test out what you are hearing by asking a question using these words or guessing at a feeling that you sense is being expressed. For instance, "Am I hearing that you...Is that right? I am getting the sense that your are conflicted about the situation? Is that where you are?"

Note the other's feelings. These may never be defined by the words that the other person is saying. For example, you may never hear, "I am livid about how so and so treated me." But, these emotions are being expressed through the person's tone of voice, body language, choice of vocabulary used and the rate of speaking. Are you picking up on these clues? They are, after all, 85% of what is being said.

Make it a goal to practice these skills daily.

Listening is the foundation of making connection with people. Listening tells people if you want a connection or not.

Jesus made connections with all types of folk. How do we know? They followed and changed as they followed.

Christ's Church seems to have a hard time making connections with all types of people. Students of this refer to the front door and back door. People visit - come in through the front door - but having made no connection, they leave - exiting through the back door.

An excellent discussion of this can be found in Turnaround Churches by Ed Stetzer and Mike Dodson, beginning on page 117.

As I was reading what Stetzer and Dodson found to be true in churches that work hard to make connections - and succeed to a great degree - I thought of the following.

Guests and visitors are looking for more than making a connection between their backside and the topside of a pew or even a chair.

Guests and visitors are already connected with a lifestyle that may have come to question because of the work of God in their lives, but at least it is something they have become useful and with which they can live. Christ's alternative lifestyle and world view must be communicated by modeling and invitation to consider it. A connection with maturing Christian disciples can help this to happen.

One of the points the authors make well is that for the non-Christian, two types of conversion are necessary to make solid and stable connections with God through Christ and Christ's Church. The first is conversion into community. The second is conversion into becoming a Christ follower.

After observing many churches in the course of my service to local churches I have one question: Do churches need to undergo the process of the first type of conversion - the conversion of community - before turnaround can happen?

Leaders connect - with others, the mission, strategies, results, and the ongoing process that exists because of their service.
As a Christian I suggest the following description of a leader:
Leaders Love: God (I John), the Church (Ephesians), the World (John 3:16)
Leaders Earn trust. They are not seduced by entitlement
Leaders Advocate God's mission
Leaders Discern next steps
Leaders Evaluate steps taken (and as steps are taken)
Leaders Rest in the assurance that God is working the process

Marshall Goldsmith's book, What Got You Here Won't Get You There: How Successful People Become Even More Successful, reflects on what is necessary for individuals to get to the next level, that is, to grow. Others have stated it in the phrase, "You can't rest on your laurels."

Making a difference in relationships, finding and being a healthy participant in relationship, finding purpose of life in relationship --- all of these are only possible if we continue to develop as a person.

Leaders have energies and skills that they have used to make a difference; but, leaders must keep refining these and learn new ones to continue to make a difference for those they lead and serve.

Do you have a plan for growth? Physical, mental, emotional, social, and spiritual growth are much more likely to happen if you are intentional in making a plan that lists your goals, when you are to have these accomplished and a way to assess how you have done.

As you grow, you will find yourself being able to make connections that add value to others and to yourself.

In their book, Leading with Authenticity in Times of Transition (Center for Creative Leadership, 2005), Kerry A. Bunker and Michael Wakefield state their discovery why change initiatives either fail or do not measure up to what was planned:
"What has become clear is that many of them are highly skilled in
leading and managing the structural side of change: creating a vision,
reorganizing, restructuring, and so on. But rarely do managers fully
grasp or focus on the human side of change: grieving, letting go,
building hope, and learning. And when leaders do pay attention to
the deeper emotions and behaviors tied to difficult change, few
know how to appropriately address those emotions and behaviors" (p. vii).
In other words, the leaders and managers that led the planned change did not connect with those they attempted to lead through the change.

This book is a must read for all leaders and managers whether they be in businesses or non-profits; be they ceo's or sr. pastors.

In a Fog about Social Networking?

Does "social networking" have you in a fog? There are so many tools/sites and issues from privacy concerns to "why is someone telling me they just finished their morning walk?"
But, we hear that companies and and even non-profits are using "social networking" and reaping noteworthy roi and better networking.
Who can help us sort this out?
Enter: Darin Hartley and "10 Steps to Successful Social Networking for Business" - ASTD Press, 2010.
His first chapter alone provides a great handle on understanding the site and tools. Subsequent chapters provide a worksheet approach to assessing, planning, implementing, and evaluating use of the tools.

We can use these tools to make connections and tell people the Good News of Christ.

See more at http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=179311153315

I would also suggest: The Networked Nonprofit: Connecting with Social Media to Drive Change by Beth Kanter, et al

Connecting: Make it Your 2009 Goal, Not Just Resolution

As I was perusing the books at a Barnes and Noble store just before Christmas, my eyes caught hold of a book entitled loneliness by John T. Cacioppo and William Patrick; Norton, 2008 (lack of captilization reflects the design of the book cover). To further connect with possible readers the jacket of the book displays a single large black dot in the midst of the ivory background color.  One could mistake this for a bit of dirt or misplaced drop of ink deposited during its production or handling, but a quick look at the spine of the book jacket displays the same black dot.

Having a pastor's heart and always struggling with this state-of-being myself and seeing and hearing it in the lives of others. I quickly picked it up and started paging through the book. Soon I found the following:

"...social isolation has an impact on health comparable to the effect of high blood pressure, lack of exercise, obesity, or smoking" (p. 5).

I bought the book. I found it to be a good read, challenging, insightful, and down-to-earth helpful. My thirst for learning was more than quenched by the brief tours through neurophysiology (reviewing functions of different parts of the brain) and presentation of evolutionary thinking (important to the authors' arguments, but does not have to be swallowed whole to get much personally and professionally out of the book). At no place was I left with only theory without application to my personal and social life.

In the last chapter (p 247 ff), the authors underscored the importance of taking steps to become aware of loneliness and to take steps to use it as a driver toward making connections, building community.

"In 1985, when researchers asked a cross-section of the American people, 'How many confidants do you have?' the most common response to the question was three. In 2004, when researchers asked again, the most common response - made by twenty-five percent of the respondents - was none. One-quarter of these twenty-first century Americans said they had no one at all with whom to talk openly and intimately."

The authors also noted that research is suggesting that those who look to overcome loneliness by making connection online through their computer are ending up with a greater depth of loneliness. Other electronic tools the authors briefly mention include telephone and SimCity technologies.

That's the bad news.  The good news from the authors is that there are those who today "adventitiously address human loneliness in each of the three dimensions - intimate, relational, and collective." Those the authors are crediting with this are Christian churches, specifically the megachurches mentioned of Schuller, Warren, and Osteen. "From education, to dating services, to daycare, to psychological and marital counseling, to basketball tournaments, they provide one-stop shopping for human connection in many different forms" (p. 254). The authors also acknowledge "all the faiths that have large numbers of adherents" (Confucianism, Buddhism, Islam, and Buddhism) have as a key the "human need for connection and social support."

Small churches were not included in the authors' discussion. I would guess that this was precluded by the parameters and focus of the book rather than an inference of the authors that less-than-megachurch churches do not address human loneliness.

Christ's call. Covenant. Vine and branches. For God so loved the world... The Church.

In 2009 how would you become aware of those - in the community in which you live AND in your church - who are not connected, who could be saved by your offering connection through invitation to be part of One and that which that One called into being as His tool for connecting - Christ's Church?

Needed: An Outward Awareness

John P. Kotter in A Sense of Urgency (2008) offers several tactics to build the emotional and mental readiness to get things done. He writes about profit and not-for-profit organizations needing to look beyond themselves to accomplish this. His first tactic is "bring the outside in."

Allow me to list these as Kotter has expressed them then restate them in language of communications as to what churches need to do. The words in bold are Kotter's strategies. The rest are my attempt at re-stating.

1. Listen to customer-interfacing employees. Church leaders and members should get to know well the newest members and youngest Christians who have joined the church - as soon as possible after they join. Too many of us lose our awareness of the "real world" over a short time, opting to live in a Christian "bubble" unconnected with our non-Christian neighbors.
2. Use the Power of Video. No, we can't count on Hollywood to give us an accurate description of the real world,but we can use our own videos - or the videos of those who have "captured" some of the real world. "Person on the Street" videos by Christian parachurch organizations are available. Listen closely to the persons being interviewed - both their words and body language.
3. Don't always shield people from troubling data.  Music styles, languages, and style of dress have changed in the real world. Do we expect to make connections if we only offer people music styles of the middle 20th century (or earlier), use Bible translations in English of 400 years ago, or demand attire that even stores don't sell many of anymore (e.g. men's suites). Shielding people can also take the form of silence. Does the pastor, do small groups, does Sunday School ever present the harsh realities present in all communities (even among church members) such as domestic violence, chemical addiction (including alcoholism), children in poverty, need for parenting skills, divorce...?
4. Redecorate. People are visual, so present pictures and other media that will contain images of needs of the communities your church serves. Put up pictures of your members meeting those needs. Creative presentations that are changed/replaced on a regular schedule are needed - on bulletin boards, newsletters, projection on screen, and web spaces (sites, blogs, etc). 
5. Send people out. This should be a "no-brainer" for the church, but as Kotter has written, success creates an inward focus which kills a sense of urgency (67). Kotter suggests organizations send out "scouts."  Churches ought to have lay people and their pastors intentionally and proactively always be looking for needs in the community so as to communicate these to the whole church.
6. Bring people in. A church could "import" people such as civic leaders to address groups of the church or the church as a whole as to community needs. Invite school administrators to share what volunteers of the church could do with some minimum training (e.g. tutoring program).
7. Bring "data" in, but in the right way. Relevant stories, not statistics. Using the example of what tutoring can do, tell the story of a student - what were that student's realities before and after experience with a committed tutor. Then relate how overall the reading/math/other skill proficiencies increased as a direct result. 

Telling connections are made...opportunities to witness in deed and word.
Telling connections need to focus outwardly to connect.